4 Credit Unions That Don’t Exist But Should

In a perfect world, NCUA would grant these amazing new credit unions their charters before 2014 came to a close. They bring a lot to their membership, and some are even out of this world

Gallifrey Galactic Credit Union

It seems every few years this classic financial institution undergoes some kind of radical transformation. Nonetheless, these brand regenerations only serve to further endear older members while offering something different and exciting for new members. With ATM locations in all Torchwood facilities and branches located in Platform One, the Pandorica chamber beneath Stonehenge, and everyone’s favorite secret asteroid base, Demon’s Run, there’s literally no time or relative dimension in space where and when service is not available. Open a new account today and get a brand-new sonic screwdriver. Geronimo!


Carcosa Federal Credit Union

Located off of Highway 27 and founded by the Yellow King himself, Carcosa offers tax preparation services, low rates on overgrown cement compounds in the southern Louisiana swampland, and a variety of micro lending options.* Need your house painted lime green or your school painted burnt orange? Need your grass mowed in expert patterns such as clockwise or counterclockwise spiral? Want to buy an expensive telescope to watch the stars fight against the night sky? Need to purchase your own cell tower because your smartphone has no service in the marshland that surrounds your home? Rejoice! Rejoice, Carcosa!

*Contract your project Childress and Son Maintenance and you’ll earn points toward future service offerings, should you still require any. Ask for Errol.


Panem Capitol Credit Union

Board chairman Effie Trinket is proud to announce the opening of a new branch in District 13. Who even knew there was a District 13? Talk about this new branch is catching fire from sea to shining sea. Set up your savings account before the next Quarter Quell and receive one additional tessera for the coming year. And remember, may the benefits of compound interest be ever in your favor.


The Credit Union of Bel-Air

Now this is a story all about how
Your fees got flipped-turned upside down.
And we’d like to take a minute
just sit right there
I’ll tell you have we became the credit union of a town called Bel AirIt was West Philadelphia, where we call home,
Seager playground’s the spot to get most of our loans.
Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool
Saving our members’ money, the No. 1 rule.
When a couple of guys, their ideas were so good,
Made an offer to move us out the neighborhood.
We looked at the contract, they said don’t be so scared,
Let’s rebrand and take your charter all the way to Bel Air.They sold us and sold us, day after day
Until we saw the benefits of moving away.
They gave us a pen and asked us to click it,
We signed the new deal, said might as well kick it.Bel Air, metrics to be had
A large population of new college grads,
autos, home loans, what the people of Bel-Air like
Hmmmmmm this might be alright.But wait I hear they’re prissy, credit averse, all that
Is the type of place to open a credit union at?
We didn’t really know,
But we’d see when we got there
If they ready for a credit union in Bel-Air?Well, our plane landed and when we came out
A land of possibility, calling our name out
There was work to be done
But we just got there
We sprang with the quickness like lightening, disappearedWe asked for a new design and when it came clear
the new logo was fresh, a pair of dice in a car mirror
If anything we thought maybe this brand was square
But we thought, nah forget it, we were excited for Bel-Air!Pulled up to HQ about seven or eight
yelled to the cabbie, our loans are great, man, we swear
looked at our building, we were finally there
to sit on our throne the Credit Union of Bel-Air


We hope you enjoyed this April Fool’s Day addition to CreditUnions.com. Erik Payne contributed to this article.Kristine Chatterjie designed the logos.

April 1, 2014

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